An archive of our latest Lame Jokes du Jour

A young theologian named Fiddle
Refused to accept his degree.
Said, it’s bad enough being Fiddle
Without being Fiddle, D.D.

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A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a seal sitting at the far end of the room.

The seal says to the man, “I like the way you smell. You’ve got a great haircut. Your jacket looks great on you. Nice tan.”

The man says to the bartender, “Who is he?”

The bartender says, “That’s the Seal of Approval.”

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Bad pun day continues at Decafnation …

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put it down.

A new type of broom came out and is sweeping the nation.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write this stuff with a broken pencil is pointless.

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It was a bad pun day at Decafnation …

The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

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It’s never too late for lame Christmas Jokes …

Q: Which Reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet

Q: Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
A: No you can have turkey like everyone else!

Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

A: They both drop their needles!

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Q: What do you get when you cross a sneeze and a punchline?
A: A sick joke.

Q: What do you get when you cross a preacher with a prune?
A: A religious movement.

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A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, “I’m sorry we don’t serve minors here.” So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.

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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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A Texan oil baron went to the dentist for a check up.

“I’m pleased to say your teeth are just fine,” said the dentist. “I know,” replied the oilman, “but drill anyway. I feel lucky.”

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Easter Bunny jokes

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A hot cross bunny.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek?
A. A bunion.

Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
A. Make it wait for 3 hours!

Q. What’s the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
A. One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.

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Q: What do you have if there are 100 rabbits in a row and 99 step back?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: How much money did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A: A buck an ear.

Did you hear about the veterinarian who is also a taxidermist? The sign outside his office reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

Q: What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will “sleigh” you!

Did you hear about the veterinarian who is also a taxidermist? The sign outside his office reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said “Keep off the grass.”
Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies “Ya got any ID”? The Texan says, “An idee about what”?

Teacher: “You never get anything right. What kind of job do you think you’ll get when you leave school?”
Student: “Well, I want to be the weather person on TV.”

“Tonight’s forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely scattered light towards morning.”
— George Carlin, as the hippie dippy weatherman

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Let’s have a look,” the vet says. He picks the dog up and carefully examines his left eye, then the right while holding him in the air. Finally, the vet says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Just because he is cross-eyed?” the owner asks.
“No,” the vet says. “Because he is really, really heavy.”